Interview with Alucard
by Turqi
Summary: The title tells it all. Cowritten by my friend Dia.


Hiya! Turq here! This fic is in script form (wahaha). It was written by not only me, but also my friend Dia. Let's just say we got bored at school and lately we've been on a Hellsing kick.

Disclaimer: Don't own Hellsing.

…………

Initial Key:

T: Turq

D: Dia

A: Alucard

An: Anderson

I: Integra

S: Seras

……….

T: Hiya people! Turq here! Today I will be interviewing Alucard!

A: (is pushed on stage) Turquoise…

T: Why hello, waffle god!

A: Don't call me that!

T: And today, waffle god, I won't be the only one interviewing you! But your other torturer won't be revealed until later!

A: (growl) How did you get me here?

T: Drugged your blood pack.

A: …

T: Anyway, question one: Have you ever been to Disneyland?

A: You're a complete moron.

T: (sticks tongue out) That's no I guess… Question two: who do you love more, Seras or Integra?

A: While you're around it's Integra. If Dia asks, it's Seras. (AN: I love A/I, but Dia loves A/S)

T: You PLAYER.

A: …

T: Three: do you like pie?

A: I don't eat.

T: Oh yeah… Four: Do you like me?

A: I hate you.

T: … Five: Do you like Dia?

A: I hate her too.

(from backstage) You just wait until I come out there!

A: Tell me that wasn't-

T: Dia? Oh yeah.

(Dia comes from behind a curtain)

D: I was just setting up… this. (pulls out a remote control and presses a button)

(Suddenly all the doors in the studio slam shut and metal plates cover them)

D: How'd I do?

T: Sugoi!

A: (looks slightly scared as Turq and Dia sit on either side of him)

T: Which question were we on?

D: Six?

T: Ah, yes! Six and my last question for a while: Do you turn on music and dance when no one's looking?

D: (Holds back laughter)

T: And if you lie, we'll know.

A: And how, may I ask, will you know?

D: Because we rock.

T: Answer please?

A: No.

(Seras and Integra walk in)

Both: He's lying.

A: Ack!

T: Oh, and that's really how we know.

A: I hate you!

D: So, Seven: What do you listen to?

A: …

D: Okay then, Seras, Integra, what's he listen to?

I: (laughs) Seras?

S: (laughing) Are you familiar with the Hamster Dance song?

(Hamster Dance song plays in the background. Di, di, di, dai, di, da, do, do, di, dai, de, de, do!)

T: I love that song .!

A: I hate you all!

D & T: Nyah! (stick tongues out)

T: For now we'll have a brief intermission! When we return, Dia will take over!

D: Yep! (grabs Alucard's arm) You're gonna be mine next!

A: (reaches for his guns and realizes that they're gone)

T: We took your guns.

A: Why you little--!

(INTERMISSION)

D: Well, we're back! Waffle god, are you ready for more questions?

A: …

D: Question one: What kind of pizza do you like?

A: I don't eat--

D: --pepperoni, sausage, ham?

A: I told you I don't ea--

D: Or do you like all of them? What about peppers?

A: I DON'T EAT!

D: Weeellll! Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the coffin this evenin'!

A: (hands unconsciously feel for his guns)

B: Question two! Would you like Integra in a dress or the same suit thing? What about Seras?

A: What are you talking about!

D: It's a simple question…

A: PFFT! Yeah right!

I: Would I look that bad in a dress!

A: (shifts uneasily under his master's dark stare)

D: Question three: have you and Anderson ever considered doing the "Best Buddy" thing?

A: WHAT! _That's outrageous_! Putting me with--

D: I figured I wouldn't get much from you, so I decided to invite Mr. Anderson!

(Turq escorts Anderson onto the stage)

An: (surprise on his face) Well hello, vampire!

A!

D: Now, gentlemen, please remember there will be no fighting during peace time… which ends in about 5 minutes…

S: W-why is h-he here!

A: (enraged) What's he doing here!

T: I think he likes the little surprise.

(deathly silence)

D: Peace time has ended! THE DEATH BATTLE SHALL NOW BEGIN! Please try not to get blood on the chairs… we just got them reupholstered…

T: Uh… this isn't the time for this…

D: (looking at watch) No… actually it's right on time… Peace time just ended…

T: I mean the whole battle thing!

D: I know, isn't it great!

T: No! Look, this isn't a place for battle!

D: (thinks for a moment) You know… you're absolutely right! We need a super hydraulic marble STADIUM!

(Dia steps back and points to the wall which suddenly opens to reveal a huge stadium)

A: …What in the…

An: This is way over the top… (AN: I can't do Anderson's accent. Gomen nasai.)

D: Ladies and gents… let me inform you… THIS COST A LOT!

T: STOP! What is this? This isn't some crazy tournament! I want that stadium gone now! What about your questions!

D: Fine…

(stadium disappears and everything goes back to normal)

D: And Anderson, you can go…

An: Wha?

T: Shoo! Shoo! We have a show to run!

(Anderson mutters something and leaves)

D: Alright. So, waffle god…

A: Stop calling me that!

D: …Do you like pizza?

A: You have already asked me that!

D: Oh, gomen! Question 4: If you could choose any woman on the force, who would you choose Integra or Seras?

A: Don't give me much choice do you?

S & I: What's that supposed to mean!

D: Uh, never mind! Question 5: On a regular basis, what type of blood do you drink?

A: I drink blood. Blood is blood…

D: Okay, do you like strawberry Pop-tarts?

A: What kind of question is that?

D: I don't know. I just thought about the red.

A: Do you always ask stupid questions like this, or is it just in your nature?

D: Bite me!

A: (stands) gladly…

I: Alucard!

A: (sits down)

D: (mocking) Gotcha on a leash, don't she?

A: You just wait…

(INTERMISSION)

T: We're back for the final part of the interview! Now, waffle god, will you be good?

A: (is tied up with chains) I'll kill you all…

T: He got a bit feisty during that last break…

D: Yep. Roll the footage from backstage!

(lights go out and a movie plays on the wall. It shows Alucard and Anderson backstage.)

D: As you can see, everyone is backstage.

(Next, a large ball of Play-Doh flies out of nowhere and smacks against Alucard's head)

T: I threw that… (everyone glares at Turq) What! I wanted to see what would happen!

D: Achem! Anyway… Alucard thought Anderson threw it, so he got mad.

(scene fast forwards through the two guys yelling at each other)

D: Yeah, blah, blah, blah, a lots of random curses. Now…

(Alucard and Anderson begin to fight)

T: As you can see, they're fighting rabid weasel style and not really getting anywhere, until--

(BAM! Suddenly the screen goes blank)

D: At that point, SOMEONE decided to give Alucard his guns back!

T: I was framed, I swear.

D: Suuure you were…

T: And after that, Andy got his brains blown out but just regenerated, and Alucard got high off gun smoke.

D: Because SOMEONE switched his bullets out with… something.

T: I call them HAPPY BULLETS!

D: Yeah, so when Alucard was dancing around singing "Sweet Home Alabama", we tied him up!

T: Now Alucard…

A: Huh?

T: This is the last question. Has this interview taught you anything?

A: No.

D: (kicks his shin) Say what we told you to say!

A: Ow… Guns are bad…

D: And?

A: And kids: DON'T DO DRUGS!

D & T: YAY! Sayonara!

……….

Wow… That was really long… Please review, and remember, this wasn't supposed to be an award winning piece of work, so don't flame. There's just no point in it.


End file.
